Two summers ago, my mom and I were in a Chicago tattoo shop. I was sprawled out across a chair in a 2014 One Direction tour shirt, the hum of the tattoo gun blasting my left arm ringing in my ears. Getting inked into my skin were lyrics to One Direction’s song “Walking In The Wind” alongside a pink VW van. “Walking In The Wind” is a song about being at peace with change and saying goodbye, and to me, it always summed up the feeling of those few magical years that One Direction was a band.
Just a few years prior to being in the tattoo shop together, my mom and I were in a much different, louder environment: Ford Field in Detroit, at One Direction’s On The Road Again tour. I had begged my mom with a Powerpoint presentation to take us to Detroit after attending the tour in our home city of Chicago, as at the time, I had an inkling that this was the last time I’d have an opportunity to see One Direction. Unfortunately, I was right, as soon after that the band announced their ‘hiatus.’ That night in Detroit was my last time seeing One Direction, and it was a night of celebration: It was Liam Payne’s 22nd birthday, my 2nd year in a row being at his birthday show (Soldier Field in Chicago, the year prior, for his 21st.)
When I initially saw that Liam Payne had passed away on October 16th of this year, the phrase I kept repeating was, “I don’t know what this means.” What does it mean for his son, Bear, who has to grow up without a father? What does it mean for his family, who lost a son, brother, loved one? What does it mean for Maya Henry and the other women who spoke out against him—who will be unfairly blamed for a tragedy they had no part in? What does it mean for Louis, Zayn, Harry and Niall, who lost one of the only people on earth who can understand what they’ve been through?
What does it mean for me, and my memories? A pillar of something that changed my life forever is gone. Though the band itself has been broken up for nearly twice the amount of time they were together, there was always a small piece of me that believed that one day I would see them together again, in some way. A tragic, unexpected death has brought the One Direction fandom together in mourning more than just the loss of an individual. Suddenly grappling with the realities of mortality and the passage of time, the community that One Direction created was the most active it’s been in nearly a decade. Friends reconnected after drifting apart, once abandoned fan accounts were online again.
Immediately after reading the headline, all I wanted was to talk to people who understood. The people who were by my side, both physically and virtually, during the 5 years that One Direction were a band. Only those who shared that sacred experience, I felt, could truly understand the complexity of the grief we were collectively experiencing. I called and texted a handful of my friends, that had grown up alongside One Direction as I did. We shared memories and tears, wallowing together in the finality of it all.
In the weeks since Liam Payne’s passing, conversations have opened up on both an industry and fandom level regarding artist’s mental health, and the effects of young people rising to exponential fame. Liam was very open about his ongoing struggles with mental illness and substance abuse, citing his time with the band as when this began. His passing has inspired a petition for ‘Liam’s Law’, a policy that would encourage the safeguarding of artists’ mental health with access to mental health professionals, and a more sustainable work schedule. Regardless of whether official policy is enacted or not, the tragedy has caused a substantial shift in conversation regarding mental health in the industry, and will hopefully inspire change on both a small and larger scale.
When it comes to One Direction’s legacy and impact both on the music industry and on fan culture as a whole, I think that we’ve only scratched the surface. Their rise to fame coincided with social media, adding a new layer to the ever changing climate of fandom. Social media, especially platforms like Twitter, suddenly allowed celebrities to be accessible. On an equal, digital playing field, anyone now had the chance to get a follow back or interaction from their favorite artist. With this shift came an entirely new terrain of fame to navigate, one that the One Direction guys were navigating starting at 16-18 years old. While there’s endless conversation to be had regarding One Direction’s impact on society, there’s also much to be said about One Direction’s impact on the members themselves: and there is now one less perspective to be shared.
As the weeks continue to pass, people continue to mourn. It still feels like a momentous tragedy to comprehend, but the community aspect of the grief has made it feel less heavy. Sharing this experience with likeminded people who are navigating the same grief has been, in a way, extremely healing. Despite tragedies past and future, I hold onto so much. I hold onto all of the One Direction themed club nights that I will continue to attend, always finding peace in the bittersweet nostalgia of the music. I hold onto my friends, both near and far, that have occupied this magical corner of fandom with me. And most of all, I hold onto the memories: every concert, every album drop, every moment spent fully engaged with whatever the band was doing. I will always cherish what One Direction gave me, both literally and figuratively, and will move forward by always looking back with a smile.
